This year I was looking for Zombie Christmas Stories and even came across a few books, filled with stories of the UnDead during this holiday season.  Even a Zombie Christmas cartoon, not very long but still good.

With all these zombie Christmas Stories I decided to write one of my own:

A Zombie before Christmas

By Hunter S. Zombie


T’was the night before Christmas and on the east side of town
Hunter S. Zombie was drunk and feeling a little down

I hadn’t won a Pulitzer and had no publishing deal
I was running low on weed and needed a tasty meal

As I sat to write a story, that would be, oh, so grand,
I was interrupted by…
A jolly, red, fat man?

“Why so glum?” The short Elf questioned.
“Yer trespassin’.” I said, reaching for my Smith and Wesson.

“I am Santa. “ He said.  "I mean you no harm.”
I cocked my pistol and replied, “I do! Now, leave before I rip your arm.”

He smoked his pipe and laughed, “What troubles you, Hunter?”
I lowered my pistol and sighed, “It’s been over a year and I still don’t have a publisher.”

“With this, I can help.” The happy Santa soothed.
It was then that I smelled his pipe and realized Santa was a cool, old dude.

“Smoke this.” He said, pulling the pipe from his mouth.
“It’s Blueberry Kush and It will keep you from going south.”

At first, I was hesitant, I didn’t want to jump right in.
Mainly because I didn’t know where Santa’s mouth had been.

I pulled the green from his pipe and stuffed it in my own.
With just a few puffs, This zombie was stoned.

“Your fears and worry will disappear.” Santa said.
Smiling with eyes so bloodshot red.

“How does this help me get published?”
I greedily asked.
“It won’t,” He said.
“But in a few minutes, you won’t give a rat’s ass.”

As I felt the herb start to take hold,
I dreamed of putting Santa in a grave, so very dark and so very cold.

“I should eat you, ya’ fat bastard!” I angrily snapped.
“I need an editor or an agent!”
But Santa just laughed.

“Don’t be discouraged, You’re doing your best.
Even Stephen King got a thousand ‘No’s’ before he got a ‘Yes.’”

He smiled at me with cheeks so red.
I snarled and snapped, pumping Santa full of lead.

I pulled the trigger, Till the chamber was empty
But he was still standing, still fat and still happy.

“You can’t kill me, Hunter.” Santa said without need.
“I’ve been UnDead for years, And now I have to leave.

“I must deliver presents for all the good children tonight.”
He turned to take off, but I kept him in sight.

I grabbed his thick coat and shoved him to the floor
“You’re not gypping me, You jezebel whore!”

I took his warm coat, his boots and his hat.
“Welcome to the Hood, Santa. You just got jacked.”

I threw him into the fireplace, and closed the metal gate.
Searing his chestnuts and changing his faith.

Santa bolted like a rocket, flying out the chimney.
“Next time bring a three-book contract when you come to see me!”

I sat back at my desk, Half baked and undead.
With a single thought, roaming in my head,

“If Christmas is a time for giving, Then Santa’s a cheap fuck.”
I put his clothes up on ebay, hoping to make a buck.

So this Christmas, as my manuscript collects dust,
I’ll think of Santa and how I should’ve eaten his guts.


Merry Fuckin’ Christmas!
-HSZ

Is Jesus a Zombie?

I see this a lot  and not just because I'm a zombie.

Practically every Zombie Walk on the planet always has, at least, one Zombie Jesus walking amongst the UnDead.  He staggers with his crown of thorns, limbing and bleeding as he makes his way across the street.

At first, it just seemed like a joke, but I have heard various arguments from zombie fans that Jesus Christ is a Zombie.

Now, Zombie Jesus is as regular as the regular Jesus, even spawning his own holiday (Easter. Get it?) and a website where you can buy Zombie Jesus greeting cards and t-shirts.

Well, I'm here to set the record straight and tell all of you that JESUS IS NOT A ZOMBIE... technically.
Allow me to explain.

By definition, thanks to Dictionary.com, a ZOMBIE is:

a.  the body of a dead person given the semblance of life,but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.

When Jesus Christ rose from the dead he didn't start eating people's flesh and brains.  Nor did he fulfill the evil commands of Bela Lugosi at his sugar cane plantation.

The contemporary definition of a Zombie does not completely fit Jesus Christ.  Whenever someone says, "Jesus Christ", you're probably thinking of this guy:

Nice, kind and easy going fella.  He liked to walk on water, preach the word of God and give people fish.  Never, in any testament, does it say that Jesus Christ started eating people.  I won't even get into the whole "blood/wine" business because they ate bread and wine, not flesh and blood, it was a metaphor. That's all.

Jesus Christ rose from the dead, shared a few words, then disappeared to join God in Heaven.  He never ravaged the townsfolk, stuffing their entrails into his decaying mouth.  He showed up, after death, with a couple of angels and said, "Peace be with you." and breathed the Holy Spirit unto his followers. (John 20:19-23)

So, by true definition, Jesus Christ is not a Zombie. Never has been, never will be.  If you are a true zombie fan and know your zombies then you know that Jesus only fits into the zombie genre as a joke and nothing more.


Sorry, kids, but there is no Zombie Jesus.

-HSZ

All Politicians are Zombies

(ever wonder how a black man could be so pale? yep, he's a zombie.)

It's nothing new to the good public that many dead figures are working in our government today, it's one of the main reasons nothing gets done.  While people still choose to believe that these shady folks are just "regular people", believe me, they sold their soul to politics a long time ago.

It stared back with good old Franklin Roosevelt who led the US through the time of The Great Depression and WWII.   The man was forging the country ahead in a time of great peril, during which, he was stricken with "polio" and he secretly hid his condition from the country.

What FDR was really suffering from was the Zombie Virus.  Even with infection, FDR went on to become one of the countries greatest presidents. Not only did FDR live longer, he served so many terms as President that Uncle Sam had to put a limit on it and hide FDR from the public as not to draw suspicion.
Now, any political official that wants a job in any aspect of government must become infected.  The government thinks they have a controlled strain, but it's breaking down.

Just take a look :









So for those of you who battle over which candidate is better for office, it doesn't matter because they're all gonna end up zombies.  You can protest, write letters to the White House, complain until you go hoarse, but it won't do a bit of good.

This is their system and when it collapses they're going to turn on every man, woman and child alive.  Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband 'cuz they eatin' everybody.



-HSZ

Santa is a Zombie

("Zombie Santa' by Randy Green)

People say he the merriest soul alive.  (That is, if he's alive.)

Santa Claus has been known throughout history as the magical elf that lives at the North Pole and gives presents to all the children, in the world, once every year.

What people don't know is that Santa Claus is a Zombie.

It wasn't right away.  Santa was a jolly, old man, giving gifts since the 17th Century.  But near the arc of the Industrial Age, Santa had been running ragged with new and better ways of getting things done.  This new age of machines brought rage to the worker elves who were demanding better wages and equality.  Not to mention that they wanted to relocate the workshop to a more "family friendly" area.

Santa was weighed down and the world was demanding he keep up with supply. Poor Santa needed an answer, so Uncle Sam lent a hand and injected Santa with the Zombie Virus.




Zombie Santa was immediately sent to the North Pole where he infected the entire workshop of elves, and reindeer, within minutes.  With their electrical activity still being present in the brain, and having nothing to eat, the Zombie Elves slaved away without another word of protest and Santa met the world's toy demands.



Think about it, folks? He lives in an isolated area that NO ONE has ever found, it's location is at the North Pole that suffers freezing temperatures only a corpse could stand and he does the same job, over and over again, year after year.

Hate to piss on your fruitcake, but that fat guy breaking into your house ain't a jolly elf, he's a zombie.  Stay in bed and don't try to catch him, just let him drop off the Chinese-plastic-crap, wrapped in pretty paper and go on with his job.

The only thing I think you can do to insure more gifts is to ditch the milk and cookies and leave a fat, chubby baby instead.




-HSZ