("Zombie Santa' by Randy Green)Santa Claus has been known throughout history as the magical elf that lives at the North Pole and gives presents to all the children, in the world, once every year.
What people don't know is that Santa Claus is a Zombie.
It wasn't right away. Santa was a jolly, old man, giving gifts since the 17th Century. But near the arc of the Industrial Age, Santa had been running ragged with new and better ways of getting things done. This new age of machines brought rage to the worker elves who were demanding better wages and equality. Not to mention that they wanted to relocate the workshop to a more "family friendly" area.
Santa was weighed down and the world was demanding he keep up with supply. Poor Santa needed an answer, so Uncle Sam lent a hand and injected Santa with the Zombie Virus.
Zombie Santa was immediately sent to the North Pole where he infected the entire workshop of elves, and reindeer, within minutes. With their electrical activity still being present in the brain, and having nothing to eat, the Zombie Elves slaved away without another word of protest and Santa met the world's toy demands.
Think about it, folks? He lives in an isolated area that NO ONE has ever found, it's location is at the North Pole that suffers freezing temperatures only a corpse could stand and he does the same job, over and over again, year after year.
Hate to piss on your fruitcake, but that fat guy breaking into your house ain't a jolly elf, he's a zombie. Stay in bed and don't try to catch him, just let him drop off the Chinese-plastic-crap, wrapped in pretty paper and go on with his job.
The only thing I think you can do to insure more gifts is to ditch the milk and cookies and leave a fat, chubby baby instead.
-HSZ
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