Is Jesus a Zombie?

I see this a lot  and not just because I'm a zombie.

Practically every Zombie Walk on the planet always has, at least, one Zombie Jesus walking amongst the UnDead.  He staggers with his crown of thorns, limbing and bleeding as he makes his way across the street.

At first, it just seemed like a joke, but I have heard various arguments from zombie fans that Jesus Christ is a Zombie.

Now, Zombie Jesus is as regular as the regular Jesus, even spawning his own holiday (Easter. Get it?) and a website where you can buy Zombie Jesus greeting cards and t-shirts.

Well, I'm here to set the record straight and tell all of you that JESUS IS NOT A ZOMBIE... technically.
Allow me to explain.

By definition, thanks to Dictionary.com, a ZOMBIE is:

a.  the body of a dead person given the semblance of life,but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.

When Jesus Christ rose from the dead he didn't start eating people's flesh and brains.  Nor did he fulfill the evil commands of Bela Lugosi at his sugar cane plantation.

The contemporary definition of a Zombie does not completely fit Jesus Christ.  Whenever someone says, "Jesus Christ", you're probably thinking of this guy:

Nice, kind and easy going fella.  He liked to walk on water, preach the word of God and give people fish.  Never, in any testament, does it say that Jesus Christ started eating people.  I won't even get into the whole "blood/wine" business because they ate bread and wine, not flesh and blood, it was a metaphor. That's all.

Jesus Christ rose from the dead, shared a few words, then disappeared to join God in Heaven.  He never ravaged the townsfolk, stuffing their entrails into his decaying mouth.  He showed up, after death, with a couple of angels and said, "Peace be with you." and breathed the Holy Spirit unto his followers. (John 20:19-23)

So, by true definition, Jesus Christ is not a Zombie. Never has been, never will be.  If you are a true zombie fan and know your zombies then you know that Jesus only fits into the zombie genre as a joke and nothing more.


Sorry, kids, but there is no Zombie Jesus.

-HSZ

Santa is a Zombie

("Zombie Santa' by Randy Green)

People say he the merriest soul alive.  (That is, if he's alive.)

Santa Claus has been known throughout history as the magical elf that lives at the North Pole and gives presents to all the children, in the world, once every year.

What people don't know is that Santa Claus is a Zombie.

It wasn't right away.  Santa was a jolly, old man, giving gifts since the 17th Century.  But near the arc of the Industrial Age, Santa had been running ragged with new and better ways of getting things done.  This new age of machines brought rage to the worker elves who were demanding better wages and equality.  Not to mention that they wanted to relocate the workshop to a more "family friendly" area.

Santa was weighed down and the world was demanding he keep up with supply. Poor Santa needed an answer, so Uncle Sam lent a hand and injected Santa with the Zombie Virus.




Zombie Santa was immediately sent to the North Pole where he infected the entire workshop of elves, and reindeer, within minutes.  With their electrical activity still being present in the brain, and having nothing to eat, the Zombie Elves slaved away without another word of protest and Santa met the world's toy demands.



Think about it, folks? He lives in an isolated area that NO ONE has ever found, it's location is at the North Pole that suffers freezing temperatures only a corpse could stand and he does the same job, over and over again, year after year.

Hate to piss on your fruitcake, but that fat guy breaking into your house ain't a jolly elf, he's a zombie.  Stay in bed and don't try to catch him, just let him drop off the Chinese-plastic-crap, wrapped in pretty paper and go on with his job.

The only thing I think you can do to insure more gifts is to ditch the milk and cookies and leave a fat, chubby baby instead.




-HSZ

Where I was

My first blog, www.hunterszombie.blog.com, is more or less, being abandoned due to the constant problems I've had with www.blog.com.

Due these continuous complications I've chosen to move to here to www.blogger.com.

To read my old posts, just click here.

Read such titles as:

The Day I met Romero

Zombie Harmony is a Lie

How Marijuana saved this Zombie

Zombies Can't Drive

Fast Zombies vs. Slow Zombies

Police are Zombies

Zombies Responsible for Gulf Oil Spill

and more.



-HSZ