Kevin Smith uses Zombie Virus for Weight Loss

Zombies in Hollywood are nothing new.  We all know how much these attention-craving stars will do anything to keep their young looks about them.  Plastic surgery may appear to be the answer, but just take a look at some of the folks that have chosen to go under the knife:



Not a pretty picture in the long haul, so it would come as no surprise that celebrities are using any method they can get their hands on to keep their young sex appeal.  Some speculate that some of these famous folks have done everything from wacky diets to signing deals with the Devil.

I, however, know of a more realistic form that many of these Stars are diving into and that is a concentrated strain of the Zombie Virus.

The latest victim in this "Keep me Young" horde was the notable film directorKevin Smith.
It's no secret that Hollywood has been using strains of the Zombie Virus for some time.  Only the Hollywood elite were allowed to  partake in this, such asLarry King and his wife, as seen below:



You can't look at them and tell me with a straight face that they are not zombies.

Kevin Smith currently came on the radar after he was refused to board a Southwest flight because he was "too fat to fly."  This brought an uproar from the "Clerks" director and sent him into a depressive state that would kill any rational human being.

Recently, Smith reported that he had lost 65lbs in an effort to become more healthy.  What Smith didn't report was that his weight loss was mainly contributed to the Zombie Virus.

Taking regular injections with controlled medication, Marijuana, Smith has been able to pull off the farce that he lost the weight due a "healthier lifestyle".  We all know that once a Chunk, always a Chunk and old habits don't die that quickly.

Kevin Smith's Zombie-state will only increase and grow worse, being unable to do any public appearances and preventing him from directing any more films.

Had we all wished that Smith would have lost weight the correct way with proper diet and exercise, Hollywood doesn't wait and neither could he.

When the Zombie Apocalypse comes Smith will definitely do what he does best, pig out on the entrails of Ben Affleck.


-HSZ

Cold Weather brought on by Zombies!

A major cold front has showered over the US this past week, bringing on a harsh winter that many weren't expecting.

The NY Times reported on how this cold blizzard that was effecting the people of Texas;
“Our temperatures rarely stay this cold for this long,” said Bill Bunting, the meteorologist in charge at the National Weather Service office in Fort Worth.


Other reports came in on how this freezing weather has grown across the Midwest, South and West parts of the country. Many have been blanketed in layers of snow and ice due to two low pressured storms that collided.

But there is something bigger here that Uncle Sam isn't telling us.  This harsh weather was brought on by Zombies.

I have read several reports about Oil Companies wanting to drill in Antarctica and have wanted to since the 1950's, but have been unsuccessful. Mainly because Antarctica is constantly moving and suffers severe conditions, it is deemed impossible to place a drilling facility on.

Many large companies have even toyed with the idea of dumping nuclear waste on Antarctica, but have been stopped by environmental agencies.

Or so they thought.

I have confirmed reports that Big Oil has already had it's slimy hands on the frozen Landscape since before theScientific Committee on Antarctic Research (SCAR) was founded.   That's right, Big Oil is drilling in Antarctica and has been dumping their waste along the way to help fund extra expenses brought on by working in -57º weather and 100 mph winds.

This created the perfect brew for a catastrophe.  Workers at the drilling site faced immediate danger as the strong winds and cold climate froze the Drill, causing the motor to explode and send thousands of gallons of crude oil to mix with the toxic waste that was dumped nearby.

Big Oil thought that it would be an easy clean up, just bury it all in the snow, but they discovered that their workers were not dead, but infected and transformed by the lethal combination of chemicals.

This waste and drilling is finally reaching our shores, speeding up the warm climate changes and melting the ice caps quicker than expected. Terrible Zombie reports are coming in from all across the US, including Alaska.  Here's a pic someone sent me of how bad the tragedy has hit the Arctic Circle.


Santa woulda been proud of this little guy.  Dead and half eaten and still he continues on.

My suggestion to all of you is to stay away from the beaches and keep yourselves indoors.  This cold won't freeze the UnDead and if you're not careful, you'll easily become one of us.


-HSZ

Left 4 Dead I & II: Zombies Killing Zombies

I’m usually not one for advocating the mass destruction of my fellow zombie brethren, but I understand the human will of survival and the need to train yourself in case of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  This is why a string of video games are based solely on getting your trigger finger ready and two such games are Left 4 Dead I & II.
I had never shown that great of an interest in video games, although I did enjoy Pong, and this is mainly due to my decomposing nature that causes my thumbs to break off.  However, a friend of mine talked me into sitting down and playing a few rounds, so I dove in.

Left 4 Dead is pretty basic in storyline, four survivors left alive in a zombie apocalypse and they are shooting their way out to salvation.  Just like Jesus would want you to do.  Zombies either stand by idly, easy to kill, or they attack you in hordes, ripping you and your allies apart.
For the most part, the game stays at a  certain level of difficulty and you are able to make your way through pretty easily.  Some other game reviewswere pretty harsh on this aspect.
Left 4 Dead 2, however, bombards you with hordes of zombies at every turn.  In L4D 1 you can fight off the horde with the aid of the other survivors, but if you pause for one second in L4D 2 you might as well drop your gun and feed the masses.

Cut through Zombies with a Chainsaw

The worst campaign for me was the Carnival because I kept stopping to kill zombies on the rollercoaster.  Unlike L4D1, you get me-lee weapons in 2 and can slice, hack or smash zombies continuously without the weapon ever breaking.  Yet, the best advice for surviving L4D 2 is simple, RUN.
So if you are a gamer and enjoy killing zombies by the hundreds then Left 4 Dead I&II were made just for you.  Enjoy it while you can because when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and it will come, bullets and canned foods will only last you so long. Sooner or later, you’ll be one of us.
-HSZ

Goodbye, Cyan. The Death of a Bong

Looking down the barrel of a bong

It was a drizzly night in the deep south. The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was still drowning the country's hope for the people of New Orleans. This old Zombie was doing a bit of surviving himself. My Cannabis supply had run short and I was having trouble getting a potent replacement.

Most of the dealers in the area were pushing dirt weed, aka: Stress, filled with sticks and seeds. That wasn't going to help me. I needed buds that twinkled like diamonds in order to control my undying thirst for human flesh. Luckily, I came across a bearded Bartender, making his way out of a local Hooters. He reeked of the "fine green" and had some for sale.

We hurried with the transaction, made in his 4-door F150, and I discovered that my pipe was missing. Without Zig Zags, the bearded man advised me of a place to get cheap bongs. His buddy owned a local store and always had good deals on various smoking devices. I needed some pretty strong doses, so I took the man on his suggestion.

The "Cheap Cigarette" store was stamped in the dark corner of a decaying mini-mall. I walked into a closet-of-a-store, filled to the brim with cheap merchandise. I was surrounded by toys, model airplanes, sunglasses, shot glasses, knives, pipes, bongs, papers, magnets, kitchen utensils and spam.

"Can I help you?" A squeaky voice spoke, dashed with a thick southern accent.

I turned and saw a short, dwarf-like man behind the counter. He was a lanky fellow with a stiff hunch riding on his back, causing him to stand at a tilt. Despite his painful condition, he remained happy and cheerful, greeting me with a smile.

"I'm in the neighborhood for a bong." I mumbled, my cigar grinding in between my ravenous teeth.

"A water pipe? Sure. I got 'em right 'ere."

The man hobbled over to a bright display case, holding a wide selection of elegant smoking devices. One immediately stood out. She was a blue beauty made of frosted glass, decorated with outlines of naked female angels, dancing up and down. I had to have her.

"How much you want for the blue one?"

"The one with the naked ladies? It's $20 bucks."

"I'll take it."

As he packed up my item, he asked me with a thick southern accent, "What you gonna name 'er?"

"Who?"

"The bong, man. It's bad luck to not name a bong, it's like a boat. You have to have a name for 'er."

I scratched the dying flesh on my bald head with wonderment. I had never named a bong before and became stumped at the idea. With a million names of various women I had met and seen over my many years, I blurted the out the name of a prostitute that gave me directions once.

"How about Cyan?" I asked, looking for the man's approval.

"Cool." He nodded. "Now, take 'er home and try 'er out."

I left the store and I was well on my way to the back alley to take my meds. I filled Cyan with some water I found in a bottle, stuffed the bowl and took my first rip. Within minutes, me and Cyan were friends.

That was in 2005.

Cyan and I had been through a lot together, we'd been tumbling around the great United States for over 5 years and I thought I'd have her forever.

But fate had other plans.

I was recently staying in a shady motel room that had a busted heater which I didn't mind, being UnDead. In the deep of winter, a cold front had covered the town in white snow and my room was a chilling icebox, especially the bathroom. Cyan had just gotten me ready for a good nap and I left her in the freezing bathroom, not thinking of how the cold temperatures would effect her fragile frame.

When I awoke the next morning, I went to the bathroom and picked Cyan up by her long stem/chamber. The glass had partially frozen over and Cyan broke in two. Her long stem/chamber was in my hands with her rounded bottom still stuck to the floor. My precious, little lady had finally fallen apart. I attempted to try and glue her back together but only continued to further her demise.

On that cold winter night, alone and in the dark, I buried Cyan in the woodland area behind the motel. She was wrapped in a towel I had taken from the room and placed in the rich soil of mother Earth.

I know some may think it's silly to be sentimental over a bong, but Cyan kept me stable all these years. She prevented me from going mad with bloodthirsty rage and devouring every human I saw. Technically, Cyan saved millions of lives.

She was a great bong and I'll miss her dearly.

-HSZ

Arizona Shooter Really a Zombie

It was a tragic, tragic scene in Tuscon, Arizona where a young man pulled out a Glock 19 Pistol and killed 6 innocent people.

The Gunman, Jared Loughner, was apprehended by police much to the stun of Loughner's closest friends, who stated that when they heard about the incident, "it just blew my mind", according to a report from TIME magazine.

Loughner took a cab to a Safeway Grocery Store, paid the cab driver and then waited for his change.  He got out of the cab and shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in the head, wounding her but not killing her.  He then turned on the crowd, killing six, random, innocent people.

At first, it seemed that Loughner, though deranged, was probably attacking Giffords because he believed all politicians to be zombies, which they are.  Giffords may have infected Loughner and he went back seeking revenge.

Unfortunately, that theory was debunked when Loughner turned on the crowd of innocent people, which lead me to believe Loughner was, in fact, a zombie himself.

While scienctist, psychologist and other media folk try to claim that Loughner showed signs of schizophrenia, I believe Loughner is really a Zombie.

Loughner was suffering from the first stages of the Zombie Virus and may be well underway to becoming one of the UnDead.  Just take a look at the mug shot of the deranged killer:

See the rotting flesh above the eye?  Clearly a sign that this boy is infected.  Now, I know most of you humans believe that we should just shoot him in the head and stop the virus from spreading further.  I agree as many of you are not prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

I know that many will speculate as they try to pry into the mind of this shooter, using that information to, hopefully, find a way to prevent this from happening in the future.

But until that time comes, you're time is running out and you have one choice to make; either lock him up or put old yeller down.



-HSZ

Zombies Force Migration on US Cities

It's happening all across the United States.  More and more people are becoming infected with The Zombie Virus and forcing average humans to flee their homes and seek refuge in other parts of the country.

For ages, the human race has tried to keep a cap on the truth about Zombies.  I am still trying to get government officials to admit that zombies exist, but Uncle Sam keeps his mouth shut about the important stuff.

Recently, a news report related to the "housing market" was released stating that there are cities, in the US, where the population has decreased and continued to decline since 2000.  Places like New Orleans and Flint, Mich., were listed among these cities where the townsfolk have chosen to head for the hills instead of stay in the city.

What the report doesn't tell you is that the main reason for the relocation was because these cities have been plagued by The Zombie Virus.



Many people were told, at first, that is was a serious flu. Remember the Swine Flu?  Turns out, it was just a weak strain of the Zombie Virus.  As more and more people became infected, the cities tried to keep it within the town's borders so not to alert the rest of the country.  These cities used all resources possible, even recruiting construction crews that had city contracts to use their equipment to warn others.

City uses Construction Crews to guide people to safety

Sources have traveled to a few of these "less populated" cities and saw the virus first hand.  Here's a snap shot that one reporter took while walking around downtown:



I don't know about you, but being killed with a toilet brush isn't the way I wanna go out.

The reporter told me of how most of the zombies were just sitting around with signs of some sort.  They were most likely staging a protest at the time the virus hit and infected them all.  That was one of Uncle Sam's dirty tricks to get rid of hippies back in the '60's.

These cities are to be avoided as they soon will be quarantined and unaccessible.  Zombies are taking over, so to those of you out there who believe The Zombie Virus may have hit your town, do what others have done, pack your shit and run!


-HSZ

A Zombie Resolution

Every time you humans reach the welcoming of a new year you tend to reflect on the past year and decide to make a resolution to change something for the better.

The only real resolution I can suggest for the people of this great country is to prepare yourself for the Zombie Apocalypse which Steve Adelmund is currently doing for himself.

But, I, an UnDead Writer, am only seeking one real resolution for myself in 2011, and that is to finally get published.

You may have read some of earlier blogs talking about the complications I've been having with the world of publication.  Now, I've been published in small newspapers and magazines, none of which you've heard of, and even got a couple of awards.

However, I have not been able to leap over that final rotting corpse that blocks me from publication. (You jump hurdles, I jump rotting corpses)

As I have been trapped in this land of sparkly vampires, boy wizards, and girls that wear dragon tattoos, play with fire and kick hornets' nests, there has been no place for a book about drug addicts written by a zombie.  I had interest from one agent, but after I sent him the manuscript, I never heard back from him.

I sent him a "follow up" email to see what he thought, but he never replied.

There may be no place fictional stories about addicts, but there is a place in this publishing world for books about zombies.

Pride, Prejudice and Zombies was a #1 bestseller, although I don't recommend it, and World War Z by Max Brooks was also a #1 bestseller, highly recommend that one, so zombies are starting to make some serious headway in the novel world.  (I'll talk more about zombie books in another blog.)

I am currently working on my first Zombie Novel, mainly inspired from my zombie childhood, and have been hard at work.  I've already got 100 pages down and still running.

I am balancing a few writing projects right now and this year they're all going to be fruitful in some way.  I know a lot of folks out there dream of that big publishing contract in the sky and it's a tough dream to catch, but you've got to get through it.

I wish you all great success and happiness in this upcoming year and hope you'll be back to read more zombies stories and news, right here, from your old pal Hunter.  Thanks for stopping by and Happy New Year.


-HSZ